Your dad touched me again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
