I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
