Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
