When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
