I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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