I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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