Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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