Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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