I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
