Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
