when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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