I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
