I'd wear matching sweaters with you
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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