My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
