If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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