Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
