AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
