eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
