Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
