I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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