Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
