someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Randomize
