We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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