I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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