It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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