this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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