Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
