Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
