If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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