I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
These tits shall not be calmed
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
