my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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