She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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