I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
