I just saw a hot homeless man
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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