I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm like, not good at living.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
