shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
