i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
