I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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