I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
