Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
