It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
