So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
