i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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