I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
