I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
