go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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