chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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