Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize