Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
