she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize