So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize