BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We need to get me chipped asap
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
