Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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