I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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