turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
