i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize