was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
