I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
