I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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