I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize