these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize